As the three lines on the top of this page indicate, this blog, or any blog for that matter, as you ought to have realized by now, is but a reflection of the author's life, acts and opinions. A reflection rather distorted by constant recall, mellower or sharper; but a reflection, nevertheless. So this month long lull on the blog-o-sphere directly translates to a long and painful calm in the real world.
Being in one of those ineffectual states where one cannot do anything even if he wanted to, I have watched rather quietly, the reordering of the right-side blogroll. Even as he resurfaced, a certain knotted-mind was keen to observe the compulsive need of a blogger to keep track of everything post-worthy. Well, let me tell you - I was keen too. But try as I might, nothing! For once, I thought there was nothing blog-worthy. These tranquillized states are, luckily, few and far in between, but when they come, they hit you hard.
Pessimistic, I have been before, but seldom have I breached certain boundaries. So I advise the weak-hearted to proceed no more! Because the story of the lull begins with a stark realization, which strangely (and thankfully) has eluded me two-and-a-half years.
I reached R as a rather ambitious kid with (what I thought then) rather pragmatic dreams of achieving great feats during my four years in a college which then boasted of so much history. I had no unrealistic expectations and I was probably one of the most content fucchas in those days, beaming away at the green environs and the dazzling dome. Joining a handful of groups and making sincere endeavors to exit the wonderful realms of Metallurgy, yours truly was on course for greatness. Or so he thought.
Soon the rose-tinted glasses faded into a rather depressing brown and the brisk walk became a sapping drag. One wonders what changed during these three years though it is obvious that such periods of retrospection are but passing phases. All the same, what happened to that romantic who dreamed of being the master of all trades? Where are have those dreams been safely tucked away? Will he ever rediscover that lost zeal?
However content I am with the way I have gone about my responsibilities and initial commitments, something still eludes me. The void. Hence, that lull? I did get the branch change. I have done most things I wanted to do in college. But now, it all suddenly seems futile!
Call it an error of judgement or a madman's rant, but my initial discernment now seems rather irrational, faulted and unsubstantiated. The branch change only lead me to another branch I feel few emotions for. Classes which once held meaning have become hours for E-Book reading and correcting writings on desks. Professors who once carried words, if only so little, have now become mute puppets. And so many activities, I have been part of, so meekly crumble in front of the rudimentary 'How did it help me' question. It reminds me of that one question a certain condescending chap quotes every so often.
This great nothingness however gave me time to think. That - coupled with a week spent in Chennai and three great hours of conversation with a lovely lady aboard the IndiGo flight (which terminated in me asking her name) - may have just given me answers. The disgruntled youth who bounded south returned with rekindled hope. To give it another shot. And it seems to work.
Yesterday was probably the longest day in my R-life and I enjoyed being omnipresent on the campus. Call me weird, but I rather enjoyed being prised away from these computer based indulgences and similar irrelevancies. Work seemed to have become desirable once again. Today, attending just one class but listening to every word the prof taught was a new high. Albeit most words flew over my head, the simple pleasure of knowing that I still can 'listen' was great. I realized that, maybe, it is wrong to see what one gains from each and every action of his! Maybe you should just go on as long as you enjoy the process. And may be it's only fair that we give everything a chance.
Why, oh why do I share the same feeling as you till the last para of your post?!?! And that in one and a half years itself.
ReplyDeleteAttending classes now seems like another mandatory meaningless ritual! I so feel like vayasaana kaalathla ipdi kashta paduthara :P
That aside, please do bother to elaborate on the "lovely" lady? and that on an IndiGo flight!
I agree, majorly at that, with your last paragraph! (sorry Raghav!)
ReplyDeleteI know I have almost done what I set out to do yet, there's a void, as you speak of it!
But then again, it's a transient phase. The only hitch bing that these phases come up ever so often.
PS: I liked the 'high' listening to the Professor part. I am still smiling!
I attribute the lull to blogger's block. Oh!And you should have posted haddu's poem (along with my interpretation)
ReplyDeleteI expect most ppl to take Shaggy's line of reasoning which is why I contemplated so much before hitting the 'Publish' button. But then again, one's thoughts, one's own. Correct? But this is exactly how I'm feeling right now...
ReplyDeleteI sort of expected Anunaya's cerebration too! That's how different people are. And yes, the problem is that these transient phases come again. And again.
Not really. A true blogger will never be blocked unless he, of course, has absolutely nothing to show at all!
ReplyDeleteAs for haddu's poem, if and when I post it, it will be a collective work - a rare compendium containing some of the most exotic works of student's inspired by Mr. P.J. But yes, your interpretation - par-excellence! Bravo, maddu!
Yeah, these phases flit in and out of your life!
ReplyDeletePretty frequently these days...it's stupid to grow up really!
Couldn't agree more, Prachi. But then, you sometimes wish these moments of fickleness stand their ground and mold themselves into a firm resolve. Whatever! It's stupid to grow up!
ReplyDeleteGo Kondy go. I'm sure the near future holds a lot of promise for you, mah friend.
ReplyDeleteBaster, I need not remind you of course about the flexibility offered by 'near'... All the same, the time will come!
ReplyDeleteI get it Kondy, this is how one gets rid of an uncharacteristic blogger's block, by posting something like the above, which will invite comments like the Mathematician's and of course, Anunaya's.
ReplyDeleteAs for the matter you have published, I have nothing much to say. Except, perhaps one thing. Things are back to normal again.
My dear Arun, you are gravely mistaken. A blogger, albeit deriving a reassurance from comments, doesn't make that his motive itself. I would write even if I got no comments, though it would be rather disappointing, I confess.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, let's hope things are getting back.
I don't know if I got it right. I liked the post. If there is no cryptic perspective attached to the post, I'd say you're not the only one who's been skeptical of late. I don't know why but I've confronted many people all of a sudden who all complain of this lull and nothingess.
ReplyDeleteI was also in a state where this void and pessimism was looming all over. There was Pink Floyd that gave me company and the darkness in front of the Senate Hall at night. I am searching for that kiddish madness which I used to have in large proportions.
Everybody wants to be a kid. I have found the answer. I want to do nothing so that I can do anything that I want, anytime. Weird as it may seem, nothingness consoles me and brings me peace (and probably health). You've touched the right chord at the wrong time. Couldn't help but write this.
By the way, I thought there was nothing. It is so evident. Lull's an after effect of what you ventured into.
Vikesh, this reminds me of legendary lines of Forrest Whittaker in 'The gReat Debaters' - "We do what we have to do so that we can do what we want to do". We love the kid because it is carefree.
ReplyDeleteAs for that last line, I sort of half understand what you are trying to say?
so are we now looking at Kondi 3.1 or 4.0?
ReplyDeleteToo early for 4.0, Lefty. So let's keep it at 3.1... For once, I agree with change.
ReplyDelete